Right in the middle of a boundless game of tug-of-war over the holy and fertile valley of Abra– no, wait, Ibrahim– a new contestant has joined the foray. Step aside Hizbollah, move over Hamas, there’s some new kids in on the block. And, like they always have, they brought their Stress Test kits and their tables and fliers and distant space cadet looks.

No joke. Complete with boxes of Dianetics and wispy tales of the acclaims of The Grand Leader Ayatollah L. Ron Hubbard. Scientology wants to play in the sandbox of god, too!

And they’re letting Israelis know just how stressed out they truly are. It’s really spun out of control, and they need more pamphlets to fix it. Sure, citizens can casually brush off the rubble from that suicide bomb, but Science-tology and their stainless steel stress-rods know how they really feel. And they can help.

First priority, the kids: the future. These Middle Eastern Scientologists are hangin’ with the kids at camp, being helpful and stuff, giving them lectures on good morals and the benefits of chastity and how to make the best Kool-Aid this side of the Dead Sea. The parents thought the message was great… until they saw His Greatness Hubbard’s stamp of approval. And it all went to hell. Just another ideological enemy to shirk.

Now I think it’s obvious I’m no fan of L. Ron Hubbard’s orchestrated penning of a religion, complete with an army of adoring clones. But, they’re just the icing on the contentious cake. And it’s been baked for a long time.

Me, I wonder more about the kids. Would they, like their sweet-toothed parents, just as well eat cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Or, can they no longer stand to look at the stuff?